In my latest posts, I focused on generalized topics to help support a vast amount of people. This time, I decided to create a more personalized article, allowing you to understand the person that I am and to hopefully better support those who are experiencing something similar. Throughout life, I have always been organised and punctual, behaviours which are highly commended in today’s society. We live in a world where we are encouraged to keep busy, to believe that we can achieve great things should we invest time and energy into extra activities. The more you have going on, the more idolized you become.
I have always thrived off having a routine, of having a jam-packed schedule. I excel from being in a clean and organised environment, having everything in its place, labelled and categorized. This is me and always has been. I never saw it as problematic because my traits are what have supported me to accomplish my goals. I work a full time job from 9 to 7 and still allocated time to fulfill a Masters degree in psychotherapy, be social with family and friends, go to gym, purchase a property and volunteer at NGO’s. The “problem” became figure when it interfered with my relationships, affecting those that I care about most.
To cut a long story short, I have OCPD, or otherwise known as Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. Now this is not to be mistaken with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). These two differ very much from one another. OCD is an anxiety disorder, and it involves unwanted obsessive thoughts and rituals – such as frequent checking to make sure the door is locked. On the other hand, OCPD focuses on order and control in one’s life rather than rituals. A major distinction is that OCPD sufferers view their symptoms as rational and even desirable – totally guilty!
To provide you with a bit of theory, the MSD manual defines OCPD as a condition where a person is “preoccupied with order, perfectionism and control of themselves and situations, interfering with flexibility, effectiveness and openness”. This can make completing tasks difficult at times. For example, one of my obsessive traits is cleaning. At home, I function only if everything is tidy and in its place; from how I stack the plates, to having the cushions puffed on the sofa. Until they are done, I cannot relax.
Another example is makeup. I used to invest so much energy in creating an impeccable look, from details in eye shadow and dead straight hair, to perfectly fit clothing. And that took hours. Don’t get me wrong – I loved every second of it. But what was I projecting onto my environment? I came across as very uptight and unapproachable. I may have even been perceived as snobby. Did it bother me? Not really, as I am not the type to fixate on what other people think, but it did affect my flexibility. The preoccupation to portray a perfect image was so compelling, that I refused to leave the house without makeup. Bless the days when my makeup did not turn out how I imagined.
Symptoms of OCPD are unique for each person and may range from:
stiff, formal, or rigid mannerisms
being extremely frugal with money
an overwhelming need to be punctual
extreme attention to detail
excessive devotion to work at the expense of family or social relationships
hoarding worn or useless items
an inability to share or delegate work because of a fear it won’t be done right
a fixation with lists
a rigid adherence to rules and regulations
a sense of righteousness about the way things should be done
When things don't turn out as planned, I normally suffer from panic attacks and intense moments of frustration and anxiety. Over the years, the severity of an episode has reduced drastically, however it is very challenging to completely eliminate them. A few years back, I woke up for work half an hour later than I normally would. I was so shocked when I looked at the time, that I got up extremely fast in the hope of trying to carry out my morning routine. My blood pressure immediately dropped and I fainted on the bathroom floor. Regardless of being so weak, I still forced myself up to carry on with my makeup. There I am looking in the mirror, thinking to myself, "what are you doing?", barely able to stand, sweating and still compelled to get ready.
Unless a person is aware about their OCPD, it can have devastating effects, both on the individual and their relationships. When committed to someone with OCPD, it is important to try and understand their intentions before passing judgement or misinterpreting them. The behaviour results from a combination of misguided good intentions and anxiety about being good enough as a person. While people with OCPD appear be confident and in control, most of the time they will be feeling insecure. Hence their upkeep of being perfect. Should the partner interpret their actions as demeaning, they may miss not only their positive motivations, but also their underlying anxiety. Unfortunately, this will result in the partner feeling unloved and hurt, further frustrating the OCPD spouse who is so desperate to do the right thing.
Treating OCPD is not easy. However, should the person be accepting and open to seeking help, then treatment will be effective. Ironically, those with OCPD, unlike any other personality style, may respond much better to treatment because of their rigid adherence to therapy tasks set by the therapist. External support is also a key factor. When significant others take an interest in better understanding their partner, studies show that clients are more responsive to therapy.
Nonetheless, it is important to acknowledge that each personality trait falls along a spectrum. There are some individuals who suffer from extreme symptoms, which will therefore result in a more challenging recovery; whilst others demonstrate milder characteristics. After years of self-reflection, I have grown to understand the person that I am. I have become aware of certain behaviours and have accepted my flaws. It wasn't easy. It took four years to become comfortable in my own skin, to be accepting of myself without makeup. And I cannot explain to you enough the relief that comes with it.
(even though cleaning is still very much figure).
Ultimately, we mustn't define ourselves based on a personality style or social stigma. It is necessary that we are aware; of course. But this doesn't mean that we are in any way limited. Disorder or not, it is fundamental to gain an understanding of what motivates our behaviour and what confines us. This is the beauty of humanity. We are the only animal on earth who can look back on our actions, assess, evaluate and progress. We have the potential to learn and grow, regardless of any category that society wants to place us in.
Sophie Bonello Du Puis
Gestalt Psychotherapist
M. Psych (Gest)