We tend to forget that men and women are two completely different sexes. We think differently, react differently and even feel differently. Since we forget about this distinctive characteristic, we are constantly at odds with one another simply because we expect the opposite sex to feel the way we feel and to want what we want. This is a recipe for disaster. We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us, they will behave in the exact same way we will do with the person we love.
As human beings, we are influenced by several variables affecting our perspective and the way we think, feel, and behave. To name a few, these include a person’s history, upbringing, education, race, and their status as a child within the family unit. Therefore, when we bring two individuals together to form a couple, we have a combination of different life-worlds, each unique and complex, influencing the relationship between these two persons.
Both men and women feel that they give, but do not get anything back. Therefore, it is a common experience for each partner to believe that their love is unacknowledged and unappreciated. The truth is they are both giving love, just not in the desired manner. For example, a woman thinks she is being loving when she expresses her concern by asking a lot of questions. This can come across as very annoying to a man, leaving him feeling controlled and wanting space. His reaction can cause a woman to feel hurt and confused, because in her mind, she would be appreciative if the same type of expression was shown to her.
Men tend to express their love in a way which may make his partner feel invalidated and unsupported. For example, when a woman is upset, he passes comments such as, “don’t worry, its no big deal” or even ignore her assuming he is giving her “space” to cool off. This can be perceived as though he is minimizing the importance of her problems. Therefore, what he thinks is supportive actually makes her feel unloved and ignored.
Fundamentally, we all have a need to be loved, but each sex has their own unique types of love. Check out the list below:
Our biggest task is figuring out which one our partner needs at a specific moment. Needless to say, we all need the whole lot; but fulfilling the primary six ‘love needs’ are required before one is fully able to receive other kinds of love. Understanding the different forms of love is a powerful secret for improving relationships. It is easy for both men and women to show the types of love they would like to receive but difficult for them to understand that their partner may crave other types of love.
Many people give up when relationships become too difficult. Relationships only become easier when we understand our partner's primary needs. If we can learn to provide the qualities of love our partners require, we can significantly reduce the amount of wasted energy in loving blindly.
All relationships are hard. They require teamwork, patience, trust, love, selflessness, and accountability. It is a meeting of two individuals who come together with the hope of sharing a life with one another. To be successful, we must be aware that love is seasonal too. Much like a river, sometimes it flows with ease whilst other times there are obstacles in the way making it far more difficult. We mustn’t expect our partners to always maintain the same intensity in their expression of love. Being the perfect partner and successfully knowing which primary love need your partner requires is an impossible task. Ultimately, the key for all of us is to be aware of our different love languages and understanding our partners needs in life’s journey together.
Sophie Bonello Du Puis
Gestalt Psychotherapist
M. Psych